Chapter 75

The days immediately following the collapse of Dol’s Merlain went by as a blur to Katherine’s memory.  She remembered taking Lillian back to the command center to restart her strengthening treatments.  Lillian’s waxy skin somehow still glowed, not with light, but with relief that the fight was over.  Katherine remembered the embrace Evan gave her when she found him at the end of the conflict.  He wrapped her up so tight she had a hard time getting a breath, but she didn’t care.  Somehow, through all the battles they’d lived, they were still together.  She knew he was a good man who would stand by her and do right by her, even if it was not done in the way she expected.  

Katherine remembered the transport ride to Coellum, chatting with Drex about what he would do now that the war was over and Merlain could once again be free.  He had been wary of how free Meralin could genuinely be.  “It is easy for people to get used to being told what to do,” he said.  “It takes the soul right out of a person not to make your own decisions,” Drex said. Whoever would take over leadership would have to be the strongest, most visionary leader the Merlain people had ever had.  The damage Dol had done to the minds of the good citizens would take years to undo.

Once they arrived in Coellum, the three of them were showered with adulation.  The people were ecstatic to have Lillian returned alive, and for the threat of Merlain’s dominance to be removed, so Katherine, Evan, and Drex caught the overflow of praise.  For Katherine, there was a lot of overflow to manage.  She knew how she had dragged her anchor.  She knew that if it had been on her shoulders to free Lillian and win the war, it would never have happened.  But there was no way to tell that to the joyful Coellum faces.  So, she smiled back, hugged back, and let them praise her.

Then, there was the exquisite formal celebration to honor the Princess’ return, Talon’s bravery, the selfless sacrifices of Amnon Saxe and Keetha Cata, and the trio who made it out alive.  Katherine had never been around such nice things.  The fabric of her gown was light, flowy, and fit her perfectly.  It was nothing like she would find in the Sears catalog, she mused while admiring how she looked.  She was given a crown that made her head appear to radiate diamonds and a pendant crafted with a special seal that would forever mark her as a savior of the Seven Realms.  At a days-long banquet, songs were performed detailing the bravery and sacrifice of the small band of freedom fighters.

Whatever kind of life Katherine Gold imagined possible in her two-bedroom Arts and Crafts home back in Athens, Kansas, she had all of that and so much more available to her if she asked for it.  It was, in many ways, her dream come true.  She and Evan were brought before Lord Ansel, Lillian’s father.  He was a kind and gentle man, yet still possessed the same radiating authority that his son, Voss, commanded.  Katherine was always nervous in his presence that she was going to say something out of place, though at no time did Ansel suggest that his admiration of Katherine was based on anything but that she’d helped return his daughter to him.  At some point in those heady days, Lord Ansel had decreed that forever, Evan and Katherine would be honored citizens of Coellum and afforded every privilege of his family.

Many nights, Katherine lay next to Evan on the best mattress she’d ever known, wondering why her heart was still unsettled.  She had everything she could ever want.  Whatever the best version of a house she had imagined from the pages of all those magazines paled in comparison to what was now normal for her.  Not only that but she and Evan had never gotten on as well as they had since the war’s end.  She hadn’t seen Evan smile without a trace of world-weariness since they had started dating.  But in Coellum, it happened all the time.  And he wasn’t just smiling; he was smiling at her!  He loved her, and she could see it in his face and feel it from his gaze.

The only word she could rally her brain around to get handholds on her feelings was home.  She wasn’t home.  Katherine wondered why this was true.  Yes, she’d wanted to go home from the moment she found herself not at home.  But all that time, it was because she didn’t want to be where she was having to endure what she was going through.  She wanted to do her own thing in her own space.  She wanted to escape hardship and return to a place familiar to her.  In Coellum, she had every comfort: no difficulties, people who gladly waited on her, and plenty of space to do her thing.  But, as best as she could discern, it wasn’t home.  It could never be home.  If she lived till his last breath on Coellum, she would always feel like a guest.

One evening, after a delightful open-air meal by the ocean, Evan took Katherine for a stroll along the coast.  The star of the Seven Realms was headed down to the horizon and lit the atmosphere with colors that made Katherine’s heart ache with joy.  She looked up to see the tiers upon tiers of homes built into the sides of the Coellum cliffs overlooking the sea.  Each home the perfect canvas to beautifully reflect the setting star’s colors.  Evan took in a deep breath and let it out with satisfaction.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this,” he said, looking at the water.  “You certainly don’t get views like this in Athens.”

“That’s true,” Katherine said, unsure how or if she could express her longings to Evan.  He seemed so content.  He’d never seemed content before.

“Still,” he continued, “there is something special about seeing the sun set over a wide expanse of winter wheat or watching the lightning bugs play off the front porch.”

“It is beautiful here,” Katherine said.

Evan nodded.  They walked on a few more paces in silence.

“I’ll tell you,” Evan said, “I hadn’t realized how old I’ve gotten till I got here.”

“How so?”

“Well, I never knew how much I hurt.  All the time.  In my shoulder, my knees.  The stuff they have here, the way they’ve treated us, I tell you, Kathy, I don’t hurt at all.  I’d like to think I could get used to this.  No more running down bad guys, no more making deadbeats pay up.”

“No more princesses to rescue,” Katherine said.

“I was hoping that was a one-time thing anyway,” Evan laughed.  “But also, you look rested here.  You look relaxed.  And I could never afford the kind of digs they’ve got for us now.  You’re finally living in the kind of place you deserve, or at least the kind of place I’ve always wanted for you.  The best I thought I would ever manage was a quick, two-week vacation to Europe.  Now, we can wake up to this every day.”

Katherine didn’t know what to do with this conversation.  Evan was relaxed for the first time, and she didn’t want to break that by telling him she wanted to go home.  Shed realized for the first time in a very long time that she still liked and even loved the man.  Why add her petty longings into the mix?  It was luxurious there.  Why couldn’t she just be settled in her heart that this was where she would spend her days?  She intertwined her fingers with his and laid her head on his shoulder as they walked.

They continued to chat about what kind of life they might be able to build there.  With each step, Katherine saw a beautiful, dreamlike future, and the idea of ever coming home slipped further and further into the gray.  She wanted to pout.  She wanted to complain.  She wanted to plant seeds of discontent into Evan’s mind that would cause him to desire to leave all the beauty for Kansas.  Katherine bit the inside of her lip to keep her words from coming out.  She needed to talk to Lillian.  Lillian had been right about so many things concerning her marriage to Evan.  Perhaps she would know a way to get Evan to want to return home without her backseat driving him to it.  After all, if they were to leave all this for Athens, they both would need to be convinced.  Otherwise, the discontented one would grow bitter toward the other, and their marriage would be worse than when they left.

The Golds wound their way along the beach, up the cliffside paths through the homes glowing in the darkening twilight, and back to their house.  They slept with the doors open to the sea and let the breeze wash over them like the caresses of silk and feathers.  As she drifted off to sleep, Katherine God purposed to find Lillian and perhaps exorcise the discontent from herself.