Chapter 66

“They’ve gone?”

Adrenaline surged through Katherine as she whipped her head around to find Lillian, pale and gaunt, leaning against a doorpost.  Katherine closed her eyes and calmed her breathing before speaking to the Princess.

“What are you doing out of bed?” she asked, leaning against a counter to keep from passing out from fright.

“Sorry,” Lillian said, “ I thought you would have heard me stirring.”

“It’s okay,” Katherine exhaled.  “I’m just on edge.  But what else is new?”

Lillian shuffled to a sofa and managed to sit down with the care of someone three times her age.  Katherine didn’t hold a lot of admiration for the princess.  She was the cause, or a lot of the cause, for her current state.  Still, she’d been caring for her, nursing her back to some form of health, and her heart had started to root for Lillian some.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Lillian smiled weakly, “but my body can’t lay in that bed anymore.  I needed a change of perspective.  I thought sitting upright would be a good challenge.”

Katherine sat in the chair next to her, “Has this happened before?”

Lillian smiled, “You want to know how long my recovery will take?  How long till you and Evan can go back to your realm?”  Katherine didn’t react.  She didn’t want Lillian to know that she’d predicted her motives, though she realized even that motive might also be seen.  “It’s never been this bad, but, yes.  There have been one or two times when my powers have been pushed to the limits, and I’ve needed a while to recover.  If all things stay as they are, I should be back to health in another day or two.”  Lillian chuckled to herself, “Of course, nothing ever stays they way it is.”

Katherine leaned back in the chair and glanced out the window.  “You regret not being asked to go with them?”

“Mmm,” Katherine said.  “I mean no,” she admitted.  “I don’t want the danger.  I’m don’t like the cloak-and-dagger stuff that gets Evan up in the morning.  But I guess I wanted to be asked.”

“You think that because you weren’t asked, you’re not part of the team?”

“It sounds selfish when you say it out loud like that.”  Katherine let out an exaspirated sigh, “I know that helping you heal helps the whole thing, but yes, yes it does.  Like he thinks I’m too weak or something.  Like all I’m supposed to do is cheer him on and have no abilities myself.”

“You just said, you don’t like the cloak-and-dagger stuff.”

“I also said I know I’m being selfish.”  Katherine perked up suddenly and turn to Lillian.  “Do they have marriage on Coellum?”

“Yes,” Lillian smiled.  “It seems that it is universal.”

“Are you married?”

“No.”  A far-off look entered the princess’ eyes.  “No, but I’ve always wanted to be.  Doubt it will ever happen, though.”

“Why is that?”

“It hasn’t been for a lack of trying, I’ll say that.  Partly, it’s because I’m a princess, that presents some expectations.  Partly, it’s because of my powers.  It would be a particular kind of man who wouldn’t mind my visions.”  She adjusted her weight.  “I almost was married a couple of times.  The first one showed some promise – good family, good character.  Well, mostly good character.”

“What happened?”

“Things were fine for a while, as all the arrangements and communication was handled through other means.  But when we met for the first time, when he took my hand in his, I saw his mind, his heart.  He wouldn’t have been as evil as Zungher Dol, but he heart was set on my father’s throne and not for me.  When I confronted him about it, he knew he couldn’t hide his intentions and made a graceful exit.”

“What about the other?”

“That one?  We would have been very unevenly matched.  Again, good family and all, but no ambition.  No interests.  No curiosity.  I couldn’t imagine how boring that would be, so, I confess, I was quite ugly to him.”

“Why?” Katherine asked.

“It would have been improper for me to call off the arrangement, so I worked very hard to make the thought of marrying me as distasteful as I could.  And I’m afraid it worked.”  Lillian played with the folds of her garment.  “He’s currently married and happy with a bustling brood of delighted children.”

“You regret not marrying him?”

Lillian looked up quickly.  “No.  No, it would have been awful for both of us.  If I regret anything, it’s that it seems impossible that I could grant a man the happiness that another was so easily able to give him.”

“My mother was surprised I got married,” Katherine mused.  “‘Too headstrong.’”

Lillian’s face brightened at a memory.  “Same with me.  ‘If I have to wait until you can follow a man who is not your father, I’ll never see grandchildren.’ She used to say.”  Her face dropped.  “ I always thought there were more important things going on to give my heart to.  My people.  The peace of the seven realms.  I suppose it’s my, what was it, headstrong?  I like that term.  Headstrong.  Being headstrong certainly is what helped me to get captured by Saw Yatha.  It was a foolish mission, and I got many loyal Coellum killed.  On the other hand, without it, I don’t think I would have escaped and evaded re-capture for so long.  What is it they say, every weakness is a strength misapplied?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever thought about my stubbornness being a strength.  Mostly,” Katherine thought for a moment, “mostly, if I’m honest, I’m stubborn because I’m scared.  I’ve been scared my whole life.  I couldn’t hope to tell you why.  But Evan’s life scares me, and the man he turns into when he’s not in constant danger irritates me.  So slovenly.  So, I nudge him in the direction I think would suit us, and it’s like he just oozes through my fingers.  He’s uncontrollable.  And that scares me, too.”

Lillian closed her eyes and pressed herself further into the sofa.  “My mother told me once that men, and I’ve seen this bear out as I’ve watched my friends get married, that men love a strong woman – one who is smart, principled, and resilient.  However, she said, what men won’t abide is an independent woman.  She said a woman who does not allow herself to be easily led will rot the relationship.  I had a lot of strong women as friends, and the ones who found a man she would follow, their marriage is enviable.  The others, it’s like they slice each other with words, inattention, and looks.  I’m not sure which I would be if I got married.”

“It probably depends on the man,” Katherine said.

“Maybe,” said Lillian.  “If my mother is right, and mind you, she’s the wisest person I’ve ever known.  My father is constantly running his ideas to her to get her input.  But she said, it has less to do with the man and more to do with the inclination of the woman’s heart.  Is she a person who can bring all her powers under control and use them to help her man, or is she a person who only uses her powers for her own ends?

“You know, its funny, you remember that night back in your realm when I allowed myself to be taken by Saw Yatha?”  Katherine nodded and unconsciously reached for her fetterseal.  “For the first time in my life, I could not see how the future would develop.  It was a complete blank.  However, I saw the number of people whose lives was in tatters because of me – the dead soldiers, the blossoming greed of those Saw had hired, your relationship with Evan, and you were shot – all of that was because I would not let Saw get the better of me.  So, I didn’t want to be the cause of more misery.  So, I fought my fear, revealed myself, and allowed Saw to bring me back to prison.  I couldn’t see the future then, I had my suspicions but nothing was clear.  I couldn’t, I wouldn’t allow my determination be the cause for more misery.  I’m not sure how well that’s worked out, but I’m trying to put my mother’s wisdom into practice.  Maybe it’ll turn out alright.  I mean I’m not in prision anymore and it seems that the rule of Zungher Dol is at an end.  So that’s a start.”

Katherine allowed the silence that followed wash over her.  She admitted to herself that the future was what scared her the most.  The future had always been a blank to her, and that had always bothered her.  Not a complete blank, no, not blank at all.  The future was awash in possibilities, each one more uncertain than the next.  There were too many options of how the future could play out and she knew that she couldn’t control any of them.  That’s what she wanted – assurance, control.  Evan’s life provided neither of those.  Still, what Lillian said rang true, things hadn’t worked out smoothly but a lot of good had happened despite the tragedies.  She was still breathing, Evan was still breathing, and there was an increasing possibility that they might survive whatever this alien conflict was.  

Maybe she could start trusting Evan.  He’d never done anything to intentionally harm her or put her life at risk.  That hadn’t kept her life from being at risk, though.  But she knew he loved her, and she had tried to mold him into someone he wasn’t.  Katherine heard the soft sounds of Lillian as she’d fallen back asleep sitting up.  She stood, grabbed a blanket, and covered the sleeping princess.

Yes, she was headstrong.  Yes, she was stubborn.  So, she determined, she could be just bullheaded enough to force herself to follow and team with Evan.  She would do it.  She would turn her weakness into a strength.  Even if it killed her.